Vat en Sit! Yes, No or Maybe

Hello Guys! So sorry I have been away for a while. Trying to juggle work and this seemed like a lot this past weeks but I promise to do better.

What is Vat en Sit? My South African audience understand this well. Vat en Sit basically means cohabitation in the case of an unmarried couple. Moving in together, sharing bills and some even have kids in this period. Cohabit for life, some eventually get married and some end seperating like with any other relationship.

Growing up, the doctrine is to get married the move in with your husband. This is taught and instilled in you particularly as a woman culturally and religiously. So upon my arrival to South Africa

and some years later, I realized there was an option to cohabit before or without marriage.

I am sure it happens in Nigeria as well, especially during university years in hostel/Residence but it is not something that is widely accepted by the society. You as a woman will be shamed for it. That’s just how I have experienced it. A definite No would have been my response to the concept.

My first reaction was to ask, why move in when you can marry the person and do the same things anyways. At least with marriage families are honoured and the commitment is solidified. Well my thinking was if you cohabit it won’t be so committed and either party will act as they wish, well obviously that is very very untrue lol.

As time went on, I got older and experienced romantic relationships which helped shape my understanding of the Vat en Sit concept. I asked further why cohabit when you can get married.

I ended up with a Couple of reasons from various people.

Here are a few, you can argue for or against or in support in comment section.

1. Getting to know each other on a level that exposes if a lifetime commitment is best for them. Honestly I understand this because I have heard so so many couples who never cohabited have terrible fall out in the first few years of their marriage. Marriage needs divorce will you divorce cause he/she just picks their nose and farts everywhere and you hate it? 😂.

2. A very common one from a lot of South African men is paying bride price is expensive. Which is true you know and is similar to the Eastern Nigeria tribe. You need money to have a wife so I get it. But where I get lost is the making babies while cohabiting💀. You say marrying her is expensive but is having kids cheap or cheaper? I know some women give into having kids because their “biological clocks” is ticking so why not make babies we will marry when their is money, for those who want to get married. And in this situations I have seen more often that the woman gets left with the kid(s) and man moves on to marry someone else.

3. Fear of divorce. Some just opt to cohabit and have a family if need be and it works for them.
   

I am sure there are many many more reasons why people cohabit and I would love to know them as well.

What will my personal choice be? Spend as much time with my partner in hopes to know them well enough to want to commit to marriage. I am not keen on cohabitation full time before marriage. Weekend sleep overs, trips together and other ways of spending time with each other to help know your partner well. One thing is certain cohabit or not when a partner decided to move mad, most times it is not because you didn’t know them well it is because the individual just decided to hurt you. That’s that.

Honestly relationship in general gives me anxiety! 💀(I am praying over this fervently) . I learn as I go mostly about myself, what I want and how I can serve better when I find myself in one again. I hope we all get it right whichever way we choose to go about it.

Will you cohabit? please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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With Love,

Òyè