Self evaluation: Overextending yourself.

Hello Guys, welcome back. I hope you had a good week so far. It was hectic for me but I plan on having fun with a little bit of self care this weekend🥰. What about you?

Now let’s dig in. This a bit of an emotional or how do I put it, humm let’s say self evaluation for me personally. I try not to feel bad about it but rather just find a way to move forward and do better. I have recently made it an habit to reflect on situations be it current or past romantic relationships, friendships, conversation, conflicts or any situation in general. I like to ask myself, what did I do? What could I have done better? Why did I respond in a certain way? All these from an healthy perspective without trying to gaslight myself. Please be wary of that!

This is not a new concept to me but I got a mini trigger after seeing a post on Twitter. The lady made a post about Overextending yourself and being a people-pleaser. This was abit off for me because I didn’t realize the two were basically the same.

@Shomicita : https://instagram.com/shomicita?utm_medium=copy_link

I would like to consider myself a kind person. If you need something I will give if I can or provide support when I have no direct power to assist. Over the last few years of my adulthood I soon realised that some people see this as an opportunity to take till you are drained and with no form of reciprocity because I clearly gave to those undeserving. In some cases you will be found stupid.

A couple of things happened over the years and it just made me feel like surely being kind is a great thing and a wonderful trait to have but to avoid attracting abuse and disrespect, the degree to which you give yourself should mainly be to those who are deserving and can reciprocate. We are all

humans and would like to be shown the same level of energy back. Because you give so much of yourself you feel drained and would honestly be nice if your cup is filled as well.

An incident that stood out happened recently. I gifted a couple of friends things I got from home from my December holidays in Nigeria. It’s really how I am if you are in close proximity to me and I think of you I will get you something no matter how small. So on this faithful day I handed my friend the package and the person’s response was “ah Miss gift”. I honestly didn’t think much of it at first but later it just made sense cause to this person is saying I am doing too much. This was not the first time.

Same with comments like “You are too nice” “what did she get you why are you giving her that“ with the subtle tone basically saying you are doing to much don’t be stupid. I remember texting a big brother just to ask how to fix it because all of a sudden I am realised that yeah maybe I am doing to much but it is too much because maybe they don’t deserve the gesture or won’t even think of doing a 10th of what you give to you or anyone for that matter.

Another tell sign is when someone is so shocked at how nice you are and what you have done for them. Yes sometimes is genuine gratitude and shock cause they may have never experienced that before or it is a plain doing too much scenario. A girlfriend I spoke to said to me “when you overextend yourself you will be taken advantage of, disrespected and a lot of times they feel you will always be around because your people pleasing nature rewards bad behaviour”. Now I felt worse because I have experienced that eventually which is always so late and an hurtful experience.

So here are a few things I will do to deal with this going forward to better deal with this bad haibit:

1. I am 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 on my priority list. Everyone else comes after.

2. Address traumas that maybe translating to why you feel the need to overextend for people that aren’t even worth it.

3. Be more observant, filter the people around you. How you are being addressed and treated. Know those who deserve the full you. Not everyone should have access to that.

4. It is ok to tell people you are not at an emotional state to be supportive if you can’t. You will drain yourself and be left to deal with it. Remember overextending yourself don’t just mean gifts. A huge number of time it’s your availability. They pop in and out because they know you will always be around waiting to give your all.
   

I am not a therapist but while I have this platform to share all the fun stuff I thought it would be nice to share the hard crucial healing side as well.

By all means, be kind always but you really don’t need to jump and swim through oceans for people who won’t jump a little pothole for you just to show that you are a good person.

Remember you cannot pour from an empty cup. Take enough time to do everything for you. Shower yourself with all that love, gifts and compassion you give out so freely.

Have a lovely weekend.

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With Love,

Òyè